Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Finding a Way Forward ~ Bare Naked Letters

  I was still quite young when my mom told me that for her, getting her heart broken literally felt like her heart was breaking. It hurt so much. It took her a long time to get over her ex. That's not how it felt for me, although awhile after it started to. My chest hurt all the time. I'd wake up and my heart would ache, quite literally, and that ache would just spread through the course of the day. At least I didn't cry like I did, those first three days. I have never had such a breakdown before. Cried so much that the moment I finished a task, I'd just start bawling again--and then stare into space, thinking, wondering how it all went wrong. How I didn't see it coming. That first day was awful. Sometimes my chest still hurts, but I'm in a much better place.

  Having this happen, and certain things with my family, has pushed me to focus on my goals more. I need to get on with my own endgame. Refocusing has been a big help with keeping me grounded. I have things to do, and honestly, I have let a lot of things get in the way. Perhaps this is God's way of pushing me in the right direction. I don't know. I do know that I took the leap and applied to Film Connection again, and have been talking to them about possible mentors in locations at least within a 4-hour radius. Because I've looked for places in Amarillo. That's isn't going to happen.And Albuquerque looks way more promising. Albuquerque Studios has actually done some pretty impressive work--I'm in talks with my Head of Admissions about getting them on board with the Film Connection Program. We'll see what happens.

  In the interim, I have been writing. So much. Whether it's my new book, my journal, poetry--I've picked up my pen again and there is ink everywhere, metaphorically speaking. Change, in that aspect, has never felt so good. It is high time that I delve more deeply into my writing again, and get things going. I can't wait to share this new book. Bare Naked Letters. It will cover Letters to a Lover, Letters to a Absent Sister, and Letters to a Mother. All the words I never spilled, on paper. One invaluable thing I have learned--true honesty. Spilling everything on paper, as if speaking to them--every aspect including my love, my bitterness, my hopes, my frustrations, my anger--everything. Man. I can't wait until it's finished.

  I'm ready to write my way to hell and back. (Hell meaning that invariably difficulties will arise and they can be the best and WORST thing to happen to a writer trying to get to the end).

  And by the way, I'm on a new journal. My 20th. I'll have a library of journals by time I'm dead. I'm actually looking forward to what this one will hold.


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