Thursday, June 22, 2017

Letting Go of the Lifeline, Time to Time

amarillo pool

  I've lived in this apartment for over two years. For the first time yesterday, I finally went to the pool. It was the second time I'd actually been in water since I was 10 years old. The first time was at the Blue Hole, in New Mexico. (I think I did a post...). I stayed near the stairs, because I had no freaking idea how to swim. I had been in kiddie pools as a kid, and I actually had taken a few lessons when I was 9. So, the "swimming form" I have right now is rather amusing. I can't freaking swim. I can dog paddle a little bit.

  I'm teaching myself anyway. I want to swim. I stepped down the little ladder into the water yesterday, looked at the gray sky (it was about to rain) and I let myself enjoy the water. I was still holding onto the ladder. And while it was smart, considering I didn't realize that half the pool was shallow and I just automatically went to the ladder at the deepest end (go figure) I wanted to just embrace the water and swim. I felt like I could, in my gut, but my swimming form was telling me otherwise. I took in a lot of water yesterday.

  I still let go of the ladder. I'd go back to it, as I was testing myself. I'd stay to the rim. I so wanted to feel like a natural swimmer. You know that feeling you get when you look up at the sky, and somewhere in your gut says that you went meant to fly up there? Swooping like a bird, free, buoyant. I was not very buoyant in the water. I tried to float. I did a little bit...I got better at it. It'd help if I didn't have an ass that felt like a freaking anchor at times. I'm not the stick of a kid that could swim the pool like a fish. I'm a short curvy woman with abundant proportions that can feel hard to control in the water.

  I don't regret anything though. I had a great time. It was so relaxing, (regardless of what my sinking body said at times) and it started to rain. It looked like dark little spikes rising from the pool, and the sky was shades of pearl gray. I was so glad I took the leap, and tried to teach myself to swim. It was nice watching some kids have a blast, as natural in the water. I so wanted to just let go, and find that I could swim.

  I'm finding that a lot of important things, or even small things, get done by biting the bullet. Circumstances will never be perfect. If I didn't take the leap, I wouldn't have had such a rewarding experience. And that goes for a lot of areas in my life.

  That just goes back to recognizing your victories. Celebrate the journey! I know that I keep finding more in myself to be proud of. And that the Lord, because I'm sick of oppressing myself with focusing on setbacks.

  ~ Nikki

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