Thursday, October 5, 2017

When Autumn Comes In Life

There are days when Autumn comes, normally or just in a time of your life, and it can feel like just a season of change. It's good, it's refreshing. And then there are the days where you don't want to get out of bed for two hours, because you don't want to do anything. Nothing but lie there, and think. Be inside you head while the morning moves on grey and dripping. It's relaxing, but it won't move your your soul to action. Only necessity does. It's a mixture of a grey serenity, and your own depression. And with us women, our emotional spectrum is always off the charts. One day we can hop out of bed feeling we can take on the world. Then the next, we miss so many things, and we're overwhelmed by so many things, we can't bring ourselves to get out of bed.

  Until the meowing of the cat or the fact that your fish's bowl is dirty makes you. The fact that you have to eat makes you. And the fact that you have to go to work, or you won't make rent, makes you.

  And the biggest thing of all--your own future needs you to. You still have plans, you're hanging on to what life can be. You're fighting for its possibility.

  Currently I'm (again!) going to have to work two jobs. I need the extra cash to pay for bills that got out of hand, and I don't like asking for help unless it's really necessary. I need to get out of credit card debt, pay off my car, and find a way to provide for film school. I don't know how it will all work. I do know that I have to start at the beginning (again--I always feel like life is sending me back to the beginning on things, and it's incredibly frustrating. One doesn't live forever, or have all the time in the world to keep starting over) and just fight for each step. I honestly don't know what else to do with my day.

  I can just keep getting out of bed, and going to work. Finding moments to really enjoy. Fight for each step towards my goals. It's a reason to keep going anyway. What else is there, except our goals, our hopes? You never know where life will take you. What your day will look like. But at least we can picture what it can be, even on the days we can barely make it out of bed.


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