Wednesday, January 18, 2017

It's All In the Effort

Sometimes I wonder what I'll be thinking five years from now. All the worry, the striving to do something. Will I have accomplished something already? Will I look back and smile with an amount of relief, thinking, "Well those beginning days are over. Now I'm getting to the middle." There is so much comfort in any amount of progress. Even if I'm financially struggling more later on, if I'm doing what I want to do, that will be a greater victory. There is much more relief in making that part of the journey.

  Half the time I don't even know what to write on here. What do I say? I have opinions on things, I have so many worries--and so many people talk about how much it helps to just keep a daily blog on what happens. But I always feel like Watson on Sherlock, when his psychiatrist tells him that keeping a daily blog of everything that happens to him will genuinely help. And then he smiles drily and says, "Nothing happens to me." Well most of the time my day is like any other. Get some stuff done at home, go to work, get off at midnight, come home for a snack and then sleep. Weekends are finally free again, although when one is decently social weekends don't necessarily always feel free--always some kind of appointment. So your time, at times, still doesn't feel like your own. Last weekend though was awesome--stayed home the whole time, got more of my house in order, but mostly just relaxed and worked on my hobbies. One of the best weekends ever--needed that chill break so much.

  So what does one say every day? Or a couple times a week, at least? I should go back to talking about restaurants, the movies I've seen recently, and just the little things in between. But then my chronic "I have other things to do, and this isn't worthwhile enough to take the time to write about probably. And who is going to read it? Benefit from it?" For someone who preaches on the need to chill, it mostly comes from the knowledge that I'm just going to burn out just from being nit-picky about everything I do in my day. Like right now. Current train of thoughts-- "This isn't a properly structured blog post. It's going to ramble. What am I even going to title it? What keywords should I even use? What description? Just put 'blah blah blah day'? Hmm. I don't know. Perhaps I should just let myself ramble more. I have no freaking idea! I admit it! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING. And I betcha any half-decent leader or successful person will tell you that half the time they didn't know what they were doing either. They just winged it. (Although for some reason I want to say "wung it"--sounds like it would be a proper interesting word, if not grammatically correct. Oh just looked it up--it's technically correct. Haha)!

  But yeah. I do wonder what I'll be thinking in five years. It goes by quickly I'm 26, and just yesterday I was marveling at reaching my twenties, finally. Took me until 24 to move out on my own. Another year to earn a fulltime job. Now I have a lovely boyfriend and trying to find ways to get started in film. Either school, or finding a company to intern at.  I'm still trying to catch up on a lot of writing, correspondence, etc.--stuff I used to be so on top of. Back when I didn't have a job, or had a part time one. Life certainly makes you super-managers of your own time. And half the time we spend playing catch up. And just winging it. Well I guess the trick is in the effort.


  ~Nikki



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