Tuesday, November 22, 2016

The Strength of Resolve ~Adios Worry-Wort

 It's been forever since I did a real good catch-up post. Or post of any kind. Life has gotten so busy half the time I don't know what to write about, and when I do have an idea, I rarely find the time. Most of my time is spent working (two jobs) or catching a moment of rest, or more likely do the house chores because I can't stand my place being messy. Which most of the time it is, because I can only do a bit at a time. The state of your house is like the state of your mind, I say--and it's true. Utter chaos.

resolve quotes

  As for writing, I've not been able to touch it. No poetry, no fiction, let alone blogging. I haven't even been able to catch up in my journal for almost a month, and usually I'm more faithful with my journal than anything else. (It's my best therapy, aside from chocolate and gray autumny days of reading and old movies). As for blogging, ninety percent of the time I don't think I have a topic worth sharing. Perhaps I should title it "Mumblings of the Inane".

  I was worrying about getting to everything, and it was driving me nuts. I felt like I should be able to accomplish it. How can single mothers, and people who go to school AND work find time? Surely I should be able to find a way to fit everything together. Surely the time that is sucked up by the corporate machine isn't any different than other people's. Work is an on-going lesson in adjustment and adaptability. A year ago I was eager and happy, and the little miss sunshine to everyone else in the store. Current work has definitely toughened me up. Work hasn't taken my cheer exactly, though for a time it did, but it has taken my peace of mind. It's gotten better, thank goodness. For a time there it was absolute hell until a new system was enacted in my department. Before, when considering the quality of the day, I was starting to refer to it with  "It could have been worse, so I'll just be grateful it wasn't." Not being sarcastic, I'd actually mean it. Just trying to keep a modicum of sanity, and gratitude. I've told people before, choosing to have joy can save you from your own bitterness. And it does. But if that period of time has taught me anything, time passes for better or worse. Thankfully in this case things have gotten better, although they're a long way from perfect.

  One thing that has impressed itself on me is how hard my boss works, both my previous and current one--(who is actually my friend, we started working the same day together) they put in so many hours, make so many sacrifices for the job. I know my friend loves her job. But I don't. The sheer amount of personal time sacrificed, for a job that I personally wouldn't find that rewarding, scares the shit out of me. I could perfectly envision my friend being years down the road doing the same job. Perhaps she'd be happy, but I knew I wouldn't be. Made me wonder if pursuing a supervisor position myself is a smart move, with all that I'm trying to accomplish. My desire, which has remained unchanged, is to go to film school and make movies. To be a director. To write my own screenplays, and make my own movies. And if someday I get a chance to work with Pixar, that'd be freaking awesome. But when I looked at all my friend was doing, I saw how easy it was to just get caught up with the grind. Made me think, "How much time do I really have?" I just turned 26. I got a late start on a lot of things. What time DO I have? I was seriously considering taking a course in wind energy as a backup plan, but that course could take 2 years. From what I understand anyway. Am I willing to sacrifice two more years before film school? Do I really have that time? Well, seeing the tidal wave that is corporate, and that carries all before it, I'm scared enough to try to start film school as soon as possible. I'm scared enough of failing to start when I have the chance--I'm not scared of failing in my endeavors--I'm more scared of not pursuing them. What would be worse, not trying, or not succeeding? To not try is to say it isn't worth it. Your dream isn't worth it. What you want for your life isn't worth it. That, to me, is scarier than trying and failing. You had the guts to fight for any possibilities then. And I believe my goals are possible. God didn't give me a gift for storytelling for no reason.



  So--with all this, needless to say I got super-stressed about how it was all going to work. The fact that I could barely get anything done, and I was still trying to impress people at work, made me loopy. I still have trouble concentrating at times. Then I was thinking this past Sunday as I was on my way back from the library (got a ton of books for $3 at their annual book sale!! WHOO! And found a Juliet Marillier that I'm super psyched about) I got to thinking about all the things on my to-do list that still needed to be taken care of. I got to thinking about school. And of course I was worried. Then I thought, why am I worrying so much? I want to make this happen. This is my goal, to get to film school and finish it. Why worry about something that my resolve will attain? My resolve will take care of everything that worrying can't do. It will get me there. It's a matter of how much I want it, and what I'm willing to sacrifice to get there. Worrying can't win any of that for me. Only my resolve can.

  So--adios worry-wort. You accomplished nothing.

  My initial plan was get out of debt with my car first, (I now have a car! My first one and I'm so blessed--no more biking in the heat or frozen winter for me!) but I don't think that's going to happen. As much as that would be nice, if I want to get started with school as soon as possible, then I will have to put up with the car taking longer. I think what I should do is take care of the small-time debt I have, get on a budget routine, and get started with school. And I think I'll have to fall back on having just one job. Having two wasn't supposed to take longer than several months anyway. I am rather excited. I'm ready to get going. This past year and a half has been so eventful. My life went from the a slow country road to a fast lane...who knows if it'll get even faster.


  ~Nikki



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