Thursday, January 8, 2015

The Dominating Fire of One's Existence


   There is this scene in BBC's 2009 adaption of Jane Austen's Emma, when Emma realizes through Jane's honest statement, how mistaken she was in Jane's true character. She had been someone she'd been annoyed about all through her childhood, and regarded as some frustrating "ideal" presented by her neighbors. But in this moment the real character, and the real feeling beneath, are exposed. And Emma realizes how human Jane actually is.

   Made me think of how we often form inaccurate perceptions of people. I wondered what we'd hear if we were given the chance to really get a look into someone's true nature. If we were given the chance to see what dominated their passions, their loves and hopes, etc. Made me think of what I'd tell someone if they asked me to answer honestly. What haunts me most, what drives me harder than anything else?

  The thing that haunts me most is the feeling that I have waited a long time; have waited, studied, labored, and am ready for the lunge at the opening of the gate. I've had enough of waiting, and preparing (or trying to prepare, in many cases) and now is the time to succeed. My hope is that the rest of the years are set for the accomplishment, the battle of what I want to establish for myself, for those I care for. Having stood at the edge of the field, waiting for it to come, it is a relief to step forward. That is the thought, the passion, the philosophy that haunts me now.

  Nothing scares me more than the thought that I won't succeed, that I'll be lost somewhere along the road stuck in the ruts of circumstances. In a comment in my previous post I explained to a visitor, Paul, that my biggest fear is being on my deathbed and realizing that I am full of regret. I was reading a story years ago about people who (for the life of me I can't remember what the book was) got to the end of their lives, and had mixed emotions. Some were satisfied, others mixed--and there were those who just were full of regret that they just let themselves go in the flow of everyday life, not accomplishing or even striving to accomplish their dreams--they had just let them go. Get away from them. What did they have left, what were they living behind? Practically nothing.

  That scared the tar out of me. I've always had this fire in my gut, even as a kid, that I wanted to build myself into something great. To really give something to people, to strive higher and higher--whatever the career I wanted at that time was. I was a kid, so it changed  every five seconds of course. But as I got older, I discovered a talent for writing, for stories--and a bit for music. I am obsessed with stories. Nothing has inspired me more--I have always loved them. Within the last few years I've discovered a desire to not only write for novels and poems, but for movies--I want to make movies. That is my new mission. My undying fire is to accomplish this. I want to get to the point where my little sister, (not so little at this future point) comes out of a theater and says, "That was a great movie!!" and it will have been one I made. I want to be walking out of a cafe someday and someone stop me on the street and say that a book or film that I'd done had really meant something to them. To me, that is the greatest reward one can possibly have. The knowledge that their work made a difference.

  In anything that I have undertaken, I have endeavored to make a success, be it my writing, the ideas/tales put into the design of my jewelry, my new online marketing endeavors, or my individual blogs. What I care about most is the feedback--learning what I've given has meant to others, and learning from them in return. 

  I think that is the best way to come to the end of your days, with the knowledge that you had made a difference. In the meantime, my dominant thought will be for achieving stories that make people weep, cry with joy, laugh--that shows them truth, and beauty, and opposing horrors--horrors that aren't actually that far from home. I want to make amazing worlds, and take others for the ride, and make lifelong friends along the way.

  What are yours? Please comment below, and share if you enjoyed this post!

~ Soren Kierkegaard

  ~Elora

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